Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t be scared

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

I’ve been learning to cook.

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

mom gave me mine for free

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

ㅤ

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit