I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
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the dark web is just a goth google.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
So that’s what we looked like?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection