Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

just ordered a drink at a hotel bar and the guy said “sure do you want that now or later”. brand new interaction never come across this one before

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

How tf did it end up there?

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

ME: *playing the piano*

WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh

ME: Why thank you, honey

{three days later}

ME: Wait a second

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams