I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
