I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
I never needed anything more in my life
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
