I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
