I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
