Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt