@PaperWash

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

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@CourtRundell

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

@perfect_messs

[Miss America]
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before

@MavenofHonor

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

@JosesLovesYou

If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.

@PonyMartini

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

@truegritrumble

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!