I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
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Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
How funny!
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?