I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
ugh not again
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”