Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant