I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up