Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.