I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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that colleague who touches your screen
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?