I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road![]()
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.