I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Natural selection at its finest
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose