I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes


DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing


[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*


One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.


Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.


People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.


Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.


9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?