I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Weirdly Wednesday.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.