@DionneMcNutt

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

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@13spencer

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

@SondraDeeMe

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

@mellimelle

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

@Ideal_Victoria

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

@Dr_awfulpants

Congratulations on “obtaining” your yellow belt. If we’re ever attacked by 3 pieces of wood being held together, you’re in charge.

@3sunzzz

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

@Cpin42

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.