I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

You Might Also Like


A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.


Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me


The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.


You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.


Congratulations on “obtaining” your yellow belt. If we’re ever attacked by 3 pieces of wood being held together, you’re in charge.


M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.



According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.