A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.
– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Congratulations on “obtaining” your yellow belt. If we’re ever attacked by 3 pieces of wood being held together, you’re in charge.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.