Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

well this is just bullshirt

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

This headline is a thing of beauty

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.