Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Plumber: I think I found the problem

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”