I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
choose your gary
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck