I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*