“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
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[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.