I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
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I mean…but I did
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I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.