I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It鈥檚 horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
also my go-to takeaway order
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Kids only want one thing and it鈥檚 to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I鈥檓 cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn鈥檛 on.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 馃槈
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
