I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
