Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*