Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

Me sliding into hell like

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…

*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.