I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I have never related to anyone more.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.