Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.