Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.