I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Hit me in the face with a bird
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: