i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Meme Monday.
I think my mom just blocked me
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.