i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.