Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Mad Max: Furry Road

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?