i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
You Might Also Like
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Always
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.