Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

🤣

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.