I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My time has come.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I love the National Park Service.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.