Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Just organising my finances.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

As the Lord intended

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It