Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

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ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have