Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.