Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

I wake up in the middle of the night like I drank coffee in my sleep

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.