Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].