i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
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COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Brilliant!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo