Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen