Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
termite twitter scares me
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!