I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
🤣dope
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
How times have changed.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.