Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

Baller is short for ballerina

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

The honesty is refreshing

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.