I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

You Might Also Like


New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods


Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]


[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month


You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.


Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes


cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold


If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.


Excuse me, ma’am. Your car doesn’t make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.