@Nips_00

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

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@prufrockluvsong

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

@daemonic3

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

@dreamthievin

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

@MarfSalvador

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Excuse me, ma’am. Your car doesn’t make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.