I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”