Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

Jurassic park gets weird

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

Spotted in New Orleans.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..