I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway