I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.