I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.