Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

“Sheer Arrogance”

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here