Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

What my back needs

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty