I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?