Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Harsh but fair

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop