Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

ㅤㅤ

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”

Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together