i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
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Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
How funny!
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have