i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Always this one for me forever
They did not think through this water fountain
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.