Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

$3 #books

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.