Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane

Airlines: $16 for bag of chips

Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75

Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for

Airlines:

Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies

Oh my God.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.