I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
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Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit