I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
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Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
🤯🤯🤯
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
crochet youtube is brutal
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Erm…
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.