I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
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Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.