I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
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When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.