Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

Krampus.

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.