I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. š
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I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, āHold still. I know what Iām doing.ā
Now if youāll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Australiaās reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: Youāre a long movie preview. Iāve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women donāt get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, youāre welcome ladies
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shapedā¦in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldnāt have yelled āholy molyā when i came
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an āessential workerā but it might be ādifficult for the bunny to get everywhereā in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so Iām hired?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, āYouāve been a great mommyā¦.so far.ā
Sometimes Iām scared Iāll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and Iām not so scared anymore.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i canāt, iām wearing gloves
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like Iām not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
ānice dog or cat or baby or whateverā i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. āwas it expensive?ā
Wifi so slow at my parentās house that we actually got to know each other better.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you donāt have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
She: Itās not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I canāt handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Who wants to hear about my fatherās colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but itās my $100,000 and my fiancĆ© deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
An app that detects itself running on other peopleās phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yoās toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, thereās hope for us all.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebeeās server.
Sorry I replied āyikesā to your selfie.
Apparentlyā¦
Border Security does NOT think itās funny when you reply,āIām hungryā
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.