I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
A short story of betrayal:
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.