I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur