Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

My dad is at it again

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.