I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. đ
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professor x: whatâs your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? Iâd sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
This is a true ally.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
âAre you sure?â
I replied, âYeah, Iâm definite.â
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know itâs working.
Date: Iâm pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I donât know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If youâre going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and glâ [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
why is every reddit relationships question like âi [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as âMr. Hoskinsâ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hoursâ
âSon do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?â
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
âAh nuts that was a good one.â
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I would be a workaholic but I canât stand the taste of workahol.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasnât a big deal, so I said out loud, âI saw that.â
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. Youâre a souper hero.
Heâs already better than me at puns.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Stop asking âWhat ELSE could go wrong?â The universe doesnât understand that itâs a rhetorical question.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought butâŚthey canât make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isnât trying.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said itâs the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think itâs the vodka
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
âDonât worry, Iâll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.â â Cargo Pants
Donât say you want a girl whoâs âfunny and spontaneousâ if youâre gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wifeâs tummy* can we discuss a different name?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop youâre killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Iâm putting salt in this mustard and Iâm calling it Saline Dijon and you canât stop me