I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 馃槀
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Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn鈥檛 that kind of tasting.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Potatoes were such a good idea
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She鈥檚 my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you鈥檙e good.
it鈥檚 always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
my fianc茅 and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we鈥檙e going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don鈥檛 have kids
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don鈥檛 give a fig
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
hi friends- for the new year I鈥檓 taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.