I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
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In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
(True)
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
According to math, I’m broke
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters