Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Awwwww shit.

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

bros in the example zone 😭

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

🤣

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.