I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.