Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

Cause of death: Zumba

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

This is true.

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”