I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Welcome
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Clients after you give them your rates
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.