Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Usage Guidelines

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

doctor: do you have a name picked out?

me: yah it’s St-

wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.