Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

This anagram machine is out of order.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

edward fingerhands

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction