I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
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Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
mmm onion ringos
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
orange cat behavior
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best